Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
