remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
