Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
