Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
