my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
