i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
