this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
