What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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