I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
