how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Congratulations! We have a period
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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