The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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