worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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