For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
