can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
