Redeem this text for a blowjob
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
