Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
