i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
