I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
