My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
