At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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