she woke up with a sticky ear
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Randomize
