i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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