yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
