your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
