i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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