Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
