I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
