On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
