btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
