my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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