i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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