if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
