I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
