There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
