I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
