There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
