my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
