Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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