Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
