Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
