respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my shit smells like andre
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
