No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
