Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
