Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
