is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
