I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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