We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
