I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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