So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
