omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
