while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
