i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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